Ok, taken that Shaharyar Khan is bent on the destruction of Pakistan cricket as we know it, but what of the motives of those who are shedding tears in lament?


A couple more highly amusing if predictable blasts in the local press against the PCB, one from “world renowned commentator” Mohammad Ilyas and the other from a man driven by his total devotion to the welfare of Pakistan cricket Mr. A.A.A – a man who is in obvious turmoil as he cares so much about the state of the sport in Pakistan that he can hardly bare the pain any longer and is prepared to spill blood for the salvation of the game. In actuality here is a man so consumed with jealousy that his each whinging salvo exposes him as being nothing more than a disgruntled opportunist who is using his every means to try to suggest himself as a potential saviour.

Mohammad Ilyas aka father in law of Imran Farhat is indeed a magnificent commentator, especially when he demonstrates his eloquence and dazzling command of the English language while commentating. Being a connoisseur of the absurd one was immediately drawn to his words on the idiot box as his eloquence has the singular power to induce guffaws like none other in recent times. I recall tuning into an inconsequential match on TV lately simply in the hope that a relatively dull day at the office would be enlivened by the sheer brilliance of Ilyas’s stunning use of the English medium and in that regard, one has yet to be let down. That he has now assumed the accolade of “world renowned” commentator must mean that the domestic matches played here in Pakistan must be watched all around the world – wonder how that happened. It does suggest that the appeal of Pakistan’s domestic cricket has a pulling power far greater than one could have ever anticipated – well done Mohammad Ilyas for using your gift of the gab to widen the appeal of Pakistan Cricket – Bravo! Let us also hope that he soon establishes a training school for commentators and that some sensible people in Pakistan follow suit (of our neighbours) and start a campaign to find the next Ilyas.......as in “Harsha ki Khoj Meain”. Just as the world evidently needs more jumped up buffoon-like geeks a la Harsha Bhogle (or indeed airhead experts such as Mandira Bedi) we could certainly do with the discovery of budding young Ilyas’s.

One of the truly excellent points that Ilyas raises about the state of Pakistani cricket is in the problem with the current coach Bob Woolmer who he states that “Woolmer himself was not fit then how he can coach Pakistan team”. The words of a man who clearly has unfathomed depths to his thought processes. So, according to Ilyas the coach of a team can only be fit to coach a team if he is physically fit himself! Duncan Fletcher doesn’t appear to be doing too badly despite the volume of his girth, but clearly Ilyas has an insight few of us could even dare to contemplate.

Then there are other ex-Test cricketers who are caught up in a time warp and consider their methodology to be the blue print for all times to come claiming that a system that produced such greats as Zaheer Abbas, Mushtaq Mohammad, Sadiq Mohammad, Imran Khan, Wasim Bari, Majid Khan, Intikhab Alam (great?) etc should be left unchanged as it was 35 or 40 years ago. To these people it seems that the game and its conditions, rules, techniques haven’t evolved or changed at all in the 35 years that have passed. This is the same thought process that claims that the Muslims, once the proudest swordsmen and horsemen of the world should abandon modern technology (cars, tanks, aircraft, missiles, ships, guns) and go for glory on horseback once again if they are to assume leadership of the world as they once had. Even ostriches with their head buried feet under the sand would perhaps realize that change and time and ageing are those commodities that cannot be stopped or frozen no matter how hard one tries. Resistance to change has always been the downfall of leadership that has remained intransigent. We may not like or approve of what changes bring but to try to halt change? Good luck to those wanting to live in a fools paradise where time apparently stands still and change is an alien concept.

Meanwhile people like Haseeb Ahsan claim that they had never even heard of Bob Woolmer in their playing days but Haseeb played his cricket in a different era than Woolmer and his career was virtually over when he was sent back from an England tour for being a “chucker” when Bob Woolmer was still in school! (oops, I really didn’t mean to reveal your true age Mr Ahsan). Woolmer may not have set the world alight as a player though he did manage to score 149 against an Australian attack containing Lillee, Thomson and Max Walker which is more than most could muster during the 70’s in the pre helmet days. It’s remarkable how selective amnesia creeps into the mind of those feeding on a diet of sour grapes in their chat masala!

Haseeb Ahsan’s numerous rants when he went on tour as a manager of the side in the 70’s and 80’s suggested that the man has a considerable chip on his shoulder, no doubt emanating from the fact that his bowling action was considered unlawful by the nasty “goras” who struck down his career just when he was about to become the greatest off-spinning legend the world has ever known. No doubt a conspiracy against him because of his massive talent and that he alone was going to take the Pakistan team to heights never dreamt of before. And finally, given that our team of “greats” including Zaheer, Majid, Sadiq, Mushtaq, Bari, Inti etc were as great as they claim they were – how come they hardly ever managed to win any series other than the then lowly New Zealanders or then strictly at home in the days when umpiring was little more than a joke in a home series? Doesn’t speak much for their collective greatness somehow? It was only under the leadership of Imran Khan in the 80’s, when the “greats” were on their way out that the Pakistan cricket team started enjoying some success in series away from the cheating local umpires. Before that we were a bunch of rather toothless paper tigers and burgeoning egos.

Accepted that Shaharyar Khan is bent on destroying everything about Pakistan cricket as we know – what else could be expected from a “retired diplomat” who supposedly knows nothing about the sport!? Meanwhile, since when did it take a P.HD to understand the nuances this sport? Its just another sport just like any other including tiddly-winks and in a country besieged by real social and political problems it smacks hideously of bad taste to be making a mountains of a molehill........our priorities have always been asinine as a nation and the ridiculous overemphasis on cricket is a glaring example.

And poor disgruntled A.A.A – anyone who reads his increasingly rabid laments and his outcry of concern about Pakistan cricket can also read between the lines that the man’s jealousy has already consumed him almost totally leaving him not much more than a spitting cobra with nothing but ample gobs of venom to spew.

Anyway, far more importantly, do you have it in you to be the next Harsha Bhogle? - What a world, what a world!

A New Dawn!

Famous words uttered by a very wise man...yet there’s nothing new about the rabid reaction that occurred in various quarters to Pakistan’s Ist Test Match annihilation at Perth a few weeks ago. The miserable capitulation to the rampaging, all conquering Aussies seemed to have such a devastating effect on an element of the local populace that they took to torching the effigies of Inzamam Ul-Haq the captain, Wasim Bari the chief selector, Bob Woolmer the coach and the PCB chairman Shaharyar Khan.

Than there was Senator Enver Beg who became so exasperated at the recent defeat that he lost all his raspberries (again). Not satisfied with physically grappling and assaulting his fellow Senate Members including throwing a juicy left hook or two Beg has (like clockwork) demanded (yawn) that heads must roll! So it seems the great Beg along with those heartbroken, distressed-for-the-honour-of-the-nation young gentlemen who burned the effigies had expected Pakistan to vanquish possibly the strongest Australian Test side of all time on a pitch that other than the odd blemish here and there, they utterly rule the roost on? Apparently so, because how else can one possibly explain the levels of disappointment (read foaming hysteria) displayed by these humble patriots.

Perhaps it wasn’t the defeat so much but the manner of defeat that caused the outcry, for that would be a touch more fathomable. However, remarkable all the same because where else in a world where people are being torn apart by devastation of one form or the other do people have the spare time to go about burning effigies, unless it is a paid publicity stunt maybe? Sad that they shouldn’t feel the same patriotism when it comes to all other spheres of life in the country. Also sad that people should lose total perspective about what things are more important in life......Test Matches in Australia or anywhere else for that matter pale into the insignificance they deserve when thousands of people of Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India etc are swept away by killer tidal tsunami waves. But sadly hysteria seems to have become a personality trait so deeply ingrained, perhaps because trying to view things logically and analytically takes more effort than shouting at the top on one’s voice and torching effigies. Taking to the streets to burn effigies because of a defeat in a cricket match, what can one say...Why not light torches against something meaningful for a change?

They say that cricket is a game of passion in India and Pakistan so may be the case but surely there is a fine line between passion and sheer bombastic idiocy. Cricket is a sport; perhaps one of the great sports for a variety of reasons and I have spent the best part of my life following the game with as much passion as anyone I have ever come across, yet let us not forget that it is only a sport.. The hysteria that it seems to generate in the Sub-continent reflects a truly warped perspective of life yet the same can be said of the Latin’s and Soccer.....but hell, who am I to suggest that famine, illiteracy, terrorism, poverty, global warming, AIDS, the suffering and injustice in Palestine, the murder of women in the name of honour are perhaps worth maybe even half a smouldering effigy every now and then rather than defeat in a cricket or soccer match?

The other grouse I have is that in a country where pirate DVD and heroin factories are the only areas in which we lead the world or compete on a global basis (though we also have the enviable reputation of being the finest finishing school for any terrorist worth his salt) how is it that the nations cricket establishment is expected to compete at the highest level while all other spheres of the country flounder? While the other sports we were once dominant in such as Hockey and Squash have seen even more of a drastic decline there is no frenetic hysteria and burning effigies? Why do we expect mountains from our cricketers when the rest of the country wallows in abject mediocrity? Is it rational or logical to expect excellence from our cricket establishment and not expect the same world beating excellence from all spheres of the country? Anyway, before one gets carried away in torrents of disdain one should come back to the word logic as it obviously features in the minds of such great thinkers as Javed Miandad and the irrepressible Sarfaraz Nawaz aka Big Sarf or is it Big Moose?

Javed Miandad has been seething about the innuendos that have been cast against him by the PCB chairman when he said that there were “other reasons” for his ouster. Miandad immediately retorted that he would take Khan to court because his statement suggested he was involved in match fixing. He claims (pinch of salt handy?) he has never been involved in such dealings and of course we all believe him as he is after all a fine upright gentleman, a man of honour and dignity who represents righteousness through and through – just like that other knight in shining armour Sarfaraz Nawaz who has claimed that he has the ability to turn the team’s fortunes in a matter of weeks if put in charge! Who can argue against the great man’s claims?

The latest news is that Miandad’s lawyers have indeed served the PCB chairman with a legal notice demanding a public apology in order to salvage his reputation as he felt it has been tarnished by the manner of his ouster. Excuse me, but what reputation exactly are we talking about here? Anyone who has had any sort of contact with Javed Miandad knows exactly the way the man operates and the motivations that make him do so but beside that, one would actually do well to remember that Miandad is not in fact qualified to coach at any institute let alone the National team as he has no degrees and no qualifications in this sphere and never has done. He was basically appointed on the laurels of his own international Test career which in no way means that he is coaching material. A coach in this day and age must provide the proper qualifications in his field from recognized institutions and not wave his glowing record as a player as his claim to fame. Miandad may well have been a superb batsman in his time but your battings skills of years gone by hardly means that you are qualified to coach at any level let alone the highest level. For that one requires true coaching qualifications, and by this criterion, Miandad is a non starter as would be Hanif Mohammad, Zaheer Abbas, Sarfaraz Nawaz and other coaching wannabe’s who have zero credentials to support their claims.

Incidentally Miandad also has recently lashed out at the PCB administration for concentrating on the “international XI rather than worry about cricket in schools and colleges”. A perfect example of a forward thinking man as clearly concentrating on schools cricket and college cricket is hardly going to win you the upcoming series against India or England next year, yet again there are many of us who would argue that our current decline is due partly to the fact that cricket at the grassroots level has been totally obliterated. Shaharyar has gone for a long term approach, one that may not win him any matches nor the World Cup during his tenure, but one would be a touch myopic not to be able to see, that right or wrong, he is doing a significant amount to make things smoother for those who may be in his position in 8 or 10 years when the fruits of concentrating on the grassroots will slowly start to pay off. This of course unless somebody as far sighted as Javed Miandad or the majestic Sarfaraz Nawaz scuppers the long term thinking for immediate payoffs and further bouts of mud-slinging and blame shifting.

And what is this business about it “not being our culture” to be able to have a foreign coach? An amazing statement that accepts that one’s culture is so utterly closed to fresh ideas and new ways of thinking and new techniques and so incapable of adapting to a rapidly changing world and sport that we can only employ the tried, tested and increasingly useless techniques of years decades of yonder. The mind boggles that this mentality should prevail, yet we would do well to remember that we were the folks who spawned the back-to-the-future Taliban after all. Once again one is reminded of the classic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark (yes, another of those Israeli-American anti Islamic propaganda films) where Indy Jones is confronted by a spectacularly talented swordsman who swishes and twirls his blades with incredible menace, yet is blown away by the single shot of a pistol despite his glorious traditional skills.

In this modern world you can either adapt or then fall by the wayside and even though Bob Woolmer is no panacea to Pakistan’s cricketing problems, at least he represented a sincere effort on the part of the PCB administration to try to remain in touch with the times and not head back to the caves hand in hand with the likes of Javed Miandad gesticulating along the way as he does from the dressing room. Pakistan cricket is going through an extended slump and there is no magic wand that can suddenly be swished to make the bad times go away. These bad times are a direct result of us not bothering to get our house in order over the last ten to fifteen years and refusing to make sure that the system was producing talent from the junior levels that could be fine tuned to perfection for International duty. Our system had been a little bit left to fate with numerous admittedly heart-warming stories of unknown gawky lads showing up at the nets and being drafted straight into the team a day or so such being their amazing talent were almost the norm rather than the exception. However in times when cricketers appear to be groomed by professionally run Academies, our Academy doesn’t yet know what its true purpose is and why it is functioning at all. Let’s put it this way and keep to the point...how many cricketers in the current Test set up have emerged after polishing up their trade at the Academy? Point made? So, what is our academy up to and what is its purpose? There are scores of Academies functioning up and down the country now, mostly privately run with little or no regulation at all and no other aim but of filling their coffers at the expense of infatuated parents.

How many cricketers have actually benefited or are benefiting from the National Cricket Academy or is it just serving as a clubhouse for serving fringe and Test cricketers. In actuality, if the Academy was at all serious about achieving results and performing a service, only young cricketers less than the age of 20 would be seen at the establishment...instead we have players who have been on the International circuit for ten years exercising or having a massage or physiotherapy at the Academy. Surely the Academy is not meant to be a clubhouse but a finishing school for raw, youthful talent? Perhaps Mr Miandad would care to differ and suggest that only the International XI should be concentrated upon. Could someone please explain to this man that a plant can only grow to fruition if it has healthy roots!

On a lighter note, what a joy to listen to the inane ramblings of Waqar Younis who is the “expert” guest commentator down for this year’s series for here is the first man who is able to make Shoaib Akhtar seem eloquent in the English language. Poor Waq’s stylish cultivated Surrey accent (with words like “blokes” included) fails to camouflage the mans total lack of comprehension...but its rather charming and typically Pakistani to be referring to players like the nearly 30 year old Yasir Hameed (indeed a mere couple of years younger than Waq himself) as a “youngster” – surely a pet favourite word of all Pakistani commentators.

I wonder what constitutes a “youngster” and I wonder if a player like the increasingly paunchy Azhar Mahmood (who is also less than 30) qualifies as one of them or Shahid Afridi who was evidently just out of diapers when he was selected to play for his country? Pakistan is the land of flowering “youngsters” and hearty congratulations to Shahid Afridi on finally achieving the ripe old age of 24 in 2004/5 - a feat that is practically a miracle of nature.