Ageing, balding, fat superstar athelete Shoaib Akhtar has broken down on the eve of a rare Pakistan international cricket match against any one other than Bangladesh and Zimbabwe. Its hardly surprising considering his advancing age. Akhtar's stated age is 33 but its a given that you can add 4 or 5 to that to get a more accurate picture as everyone who has any experience of domestic cricket in Pakistan would know that faking ones age is a given. Shahid Afridi claiming to be 26 is the classic example. Apparently he was in diapers when he struck that whirlwind hundred against Kenya way back in the last century sometime. Now this man is plotting and scheming one way or another to have Shoaib Malik dumped so that he can achieve another personal milestone regardless of the fact that he is unable to bat any longer and is self-obsessed to the point of ridicule. Also he has always been an instigator and an intriguer in the dressing room, never far from any ugly incident that may have occurred. He also shamed the entire nation not so long ago when he deliberately cheated against England by scuffing up the wicket so shamelessly that viewers were forced to look the other way in sheer embarassment. No doubt a charasmatic man, but hardly the leader that our cricket team requires. Salman Butt would be a far better choice however that said, what is the point of changing the skipper when the Pakistan cricket team hardly plays three times a year and with the bomb going off at yesterdays regional games in Peshawar and the Indian hockey team cancelling its trip over, things are going to lurch from bad to worse in times to come.

A rejuvenated Pakistan side won convincingly against England thanks in part to the transformation of Shoaib Akhtar from a national embarassment to a team man. For the sake of Pakistan cricket, let's hope the change is a permanant one and not just a temporary aberration. Nonetheless it is also clearly evident that the Shoaib Akhtar of 2006 is a far cry from the strapping and athletic young man who ripped through the South African line up five or so years ago. In those days Shoaibs delivery stride leap matched that of Imran Khan in his pomp and another trademark of his athleticism was that his bum would soon have a black mark on it that came from his sole actually hitting his backside as he leapt into final delivery stride. The Shoaib of then was a picture of athleticism yet today he is a far cry from that. Now he has to rely on sheer brute force (and a brilliantly devised slower ball) to prise out a batsman. Gone is the sustained pace and the big swinging in dipping toe crushing yorkers. Over the years Shoaib's body has bulked up and he is no longer able to swing the ball even half as effectively as he once could. Those deliveries in Calcutta when he ripped out Dravid and Tendulkar's middle stump in succession was one of the most exhilerating moments in cricket history, yet sadly.......the Shoaib of now will never again be able to reproduce that sublime form - his body is simply no longer capable of it........plus of course given that his age is not quite as stated (it is one of the miracles of humanity that Shahid Afridi is still in his mid 20's...........and that I am in fact the Queen of England!) It is a well established fact that no one is Pakistan EVER lets on about their true age and the fact is that Inzamam Ul Haq, Waqar Younis, Shoaib Akhtar and most glaringly Shahid Afridi are not quite the age that their birth certificates suggest.

Then there is this mass singing of the praises of Inzamam Ul Haq as being the greatest thing to ever happen to Pakistan cricket - I am sorry but I beg to differ. This is the same Inzamam Ul Haq who pretended to have a back ailment last year when the team was touring Australia and sat out matches rather than face having his impeccable reputation tarnished in any way. It is a fact that Inzamam ul Haq chickened out of playing against McGrath, Lee and company on those bouncy Aussie tracks and that there is a question mark against him in comparisons with Tendulkar or Lara.........frankly, i don't recall Sachin or Brian Lara ever chickening out of matches and feigning injury.....especially when they were the leader of a particularly green bunch.

Then there is the insidious blending of the tableeghi brand of Islam and force-feeding it on the team. We have already had the transformation of Yousuf Youhanna into Mohammad Yousuf..........and now the odds on Danish Kaneria soon turning into Mohammad Danish if he wishes a prolongued run in the Pakistan side is definitely on the cards. Then you have Prime Chamcha and born again Muslim.........yes the same Mushy Ahmed who was caught cavorting with some Essex girls on the beach of Grenada not so long ago..............with a good number of joints and some local rust coloured drink...................yes the same Mushy Ahmed who now publicly denounces the October Earthquake as being a curse from "Mighty Allah" - a punishment for all the sinners and a message for the heavens above for humanity to follow in the righteous path of Mushtaq Ahmed. Oh, incidentally, now as Mushtaq Ahmed has become a player on the Tableegh circuit, he is being made into the bowling coach so that he can travel with the team and ensure that the Tableegh morals are enforced and permeated at all levels.........the latest member seems to be Younis Khan and before him Shahid Afridi appears to be paying as much attention to his newly sprouted beard as he does to his blond streaks and highlights on his flowing hair!

I reckon Bazid Khan, who has been horribly treated by the national selectors at the behest of Inzamam and his Tableeghi brigade that time and again Bazid has been sidelined and Inzamam's personal lackey Yassir Hameed (who is now touching 30) has been bought back time and again despite his continuing failure and massive batting flaws..............simply because he is one of Inzi's lackeys and Bazid is not. The other beneficiery of Inzamam's Tableeghi selection policy is that Abdul Razzak must be part of the set up despite his totally pathetic bowling that is no longer penetrative on the Test level at any rate..........yet time and again Razzak is preferred to Yasir Arafat who must reckon there is no justice and not much point in continuing to attempt to play for his country because it is becoming increasingly clear that if you dont fit into the pic and dont fit into the picture of what Inzamam Ul Haq thinks his young jehadis should be, then it seems you wont be able to play for Pakistan.

The appointment of Mushtaq Ahmed as bowling coach despite the fact that the PCB has not advertised the post in the open nor the fact that this appointment has not been made on merit at all...........the single and ONLY reason that Mushtaq Ahmed is being appointed is that he is Inzamam's new Tableeghi buddy whose "bubbly" presence is much loved in the players dressing room....................by whom is the question. Answer - Inzamam Ul Haq, Saeed Anwer and the new Tableeghi brigade.

I should add at this time that soon after the World Cup ended (the last WC) I received a phone call from Saeed Anwer who was extra chummy on the line though i dont really know the man at all well. But it appeared that he was very keen to meet me for tea the next day to explain a few things to me and to help me to focus on life the way I should." Each to his own.....and I absolutely did NOT meet Saeed Anwer for his pep talk as I would have reacted violently at being told how to conduct my life by some born again preacher. As far as I am concerned, each to his own...............but when it comes to forcing people or coercing them to think a certain way, i reckon that is pretty despicable. But what is even worse is when a young mans lifelong ambition is denied him because he doesn't quite fit the myopic thinking of your pea brained leader who now wields far more influence than he ever should have been allowed. The Pakistan cricket team is being run by born again Taliban type Tableeghi Missionaries - and though they like every one else are entitled to their beliefs, there is no way in which their beliefs should become criterion for a cricketers chances of playing for his country. At the moment, I fear that this is the case and that young, deserving cricketers are being denied because they don't quite fit the Tableeghi profile as they apparently should.

The sooner the burly, bulky shadow of Inzamam ul Haq recedes from Pakistan cricket the better it will be for all concerned. Apparently justice, equality and fair play are only reserved for their own kind and not to be administered to people who dont fit the profile. Sad........very sad indeed.

So, after the highs and heroics of the Indian tour and sleepwalking and cakewalking the One Day series against the West Indians, the Pakistan finally came to earth with a resounding thud. The thrashing by the West Indians at Barbados was total humiliation against a team that is easily the weakest of the major Test playing nations (Bangladesh and Zimbabwe not considered in that group). The West Indians put up a spirited display and Brian Lara’s majestic first innings hundred appeared to sap the Pakistan of all the positive spirit that they had carried over with them from the successful Indian tour.

Things started going wrong even before the Test match started with reports of Youhana having walked away from the team as he had felt humiliated by the treatment meted out to him by Abdul Razzak during the final one day international. Subsequently it has turned out that Youhana’s father has been very unwell but the excuse surely a smokescreen for the real reason. Worse was to follow as reports emerged of a heated bust-up in the dressing room when Afridi was asked to open the innings by Younis Khan. So, some bad blood has emerged and it is to be seen how well the positive team spirit can remain intact, especially as it would have been further tested by the abysmal performance of the team in Barbados.

The batting was primarily at fault during the Barbados debacle but the bowling and fielding wasn’t too far behind. The batting display in the first innings was profoundly awful with not a single batsman displaying the guts to grit it out against an attack that would hardly make even Bangladesh tremble. At the top of the order, Salman Butt, as is becoming increasingly evident is not the batsman one had hoped he was. He is far more of a dasher with a keen eye and even considerable talent yet his technique is only slightly less faulty than his powers of concentration. He certainly isn’t a bad batsman and has courage but he lacks a solid defensive technique and will struggle when faced with quality bowling. Yasir Hameed is another batsman not short of talent yet his batting is fraught with flaws and there is no way he is going to succeed against high quality bowling unless he sorts himself in a major way. He has a lot to work on least of all on his headless-chicken approach to running between the wickets. Is there a worse runner between wickets in the game at present? Very doubtful indeed.

Bazid Khan playing in his debut Test was out twice to similar incoming deliveries – the first innings it really didn’t look like he feathered the ball on its way to the keeper and was more than a little unfortunate to have been given out. This being the caught behind that the bowler Corey Colleymore didn’t bother appealing for! In the second innings Bazid was shaping up extremely well and looking a class act when the rain intervals arrived and upon resumption he was trapped plumb in front for what turned out to be a sadly abbreviated innings. None the less, while he was at the crease he exuded class and it was clearly apparent that he had loads of time to play the ball and never once appeared rushed into a shot. It came therefore as a rather sickening surprise to find Yasir Hameed preferred to not only Bazid but also to Salman Butt for the 2nd Test at Kingston. Sadly more evidence of our captains growing influence on the team and its composition as well as the clique-ism that is making a comeback to the dressing room in a big way.

Inzamam with his innate insecurities is busy building his clique of favourites, yes men and lackeys who are rewarded for their service in bolstering his position at the helm. The biggest threat to Inzi’s coterie is Younis Khan who much to the disgust of his captain, was a huge success on the Indian tour and clearly demonstrated his ability as a motivator. Inzamam and his close associates were initially sickened that Younis Khan and not bosom buddy Yousuf Youhanna had been named as the vice-captain for the Indian tour and it was sickeningly evident to viewers that Younis Khan was deliberately elbowed out on the field and never, ever seen to be consulted. Instead Inzamam would go out of his way to be cosying up to Youhanna on a regular basis. Younis Khan with his upright, no-nonsense approach is seen to be an upstart who is not one of the gang as it were. Inzamam and his chums are bent on doing their utmost to undermine Younis Khan whenever possible and the ugly incident in the dressing room during the Barbados test match was a clear example of this plan being in full swing. The plan being that Younis Khan is to be undermined at all times until he is humiliated by players such as Razzak and Afridi and forced to turn elsewhere in frustration.

According to the grapevine Inzi and friends plan worked beautifully and Younis Khan was all set to tender his resignation as vice captain even though the powers that be are ready to fight for his cause. Inzamam feels threatened by Younis Khan, Yousuf Youhana feels threatened by any middle order batsman who scores heavily and prime lackey Yasir Hameed is persisted with to embarrassing degrees despite. Bazid is not allowed in as he isn’t part of the coterie and worse, he may score a few and put heat on Youhana or Yasir. Yasir Arafat of Rawalpindi is not encouraged into the side as his inclusion could put some heat on Abdul Razzak. The coterie tried desperately hard to get Moin Khan back to the fold for this tour which would have been sublimely ridiculous. Moin pushing 40 being in contention due to his brilliant performance in the local 20/20 tournament!

Inzi is being allowed to get away with more influence on cricketing matters than he ought to be allowed and the sooner his career draws to an end the better it will be for the side on the whole, despite the fact that he is batting as well as ever at present. Sadly he is not capable of rising above and the sooner his reign is over the better it will be all around. Easily the most embarrassing aspect of play in both the test matches was the ghastly bowling action of Shabbir Ahmed who is incredulously being allowed to bowl despite having an action that makes one cringe with each illegal delivery. But then in a sport where the world record is being broken by one Muralitharan, the world’s greatest chuck merchant, it hardly comes as a surprise that Shabbir Ahmed is adding to his tally of Test victims. Poor Shabbir, how on earth was he allowed to reach the level of the sport he is at without being stopped along the way and sent back to square one. Now one fears its too late for remedial action and the genial giant will probably fade away rapidly, or then chucking will have to be legalized.

Another embarrassing if amusing aspect of the series was the battle for the unofficial title for the worlds most atrocious fielder – a keenly fought epic contest between Reon King of the West Indies and Danish Kaneria of Pakistan. Poor Reon King – what can one say about his fielding other than that it is almost bordering on the surreal. Yet the sheer drama of watching Danish Kaneria flailing and wobbling with remarkable lack of athleticism on a leather chase to the boundary…followed by the most ungainly swoop, more wobbles and then a throw that is likely to endanger any player on the field with its lack of radar. However, in that occasionally the ball does indeed land in Kaneria’s hands in the outfield does tilt the scales against him leaving Reon King as surely the world’s most atrocious fielder – dead or alive!

The umpiring was also none too sharp with Darryl Hair in pretty abysmal form while good old Shep has been on the decline for a while now. The Pakistani team has some months before regrouping for the series against world number 2 rated England in October. But in the meanwhile the PCB hierarchy would do well to think of how its going to tackle the growing influence of Inzi and his gang as well as the fact that they need to take a far stronger line against the arrogant, self-centred starry behaviour of Shahid Afridi and those who may have a tendency of throwing tantrums and behaving with a bloated sense of self importance. Afridi’s latest burst of success is sadly in danger of showing up his lack of class as a person and his performance in the dressing room deserves to be taken very serious note of.

The PCB faltered in recent times when dealing with indiscipline because they let Shoaib Malik get off with a laughable penalty for a pretty serious offence simply because they felt they couldn’t afford to lose him before the West Indies tour. After dealing firmly but fairly with Shoaib Akhter, and with Rashid Latif before him, it is imperative that the board not roll over in dealing with current team members and deal with cases in a uniform, equal manner. There resolve to do the right thing has already been found wanting with the way Malik was penalized and now it is to be further tested when they look for a way to deal with starry tantrums like the one Shahid Afridi threw with the complete backing of his scheming captain whose sole purpose was to undermine his vice captain. These are the seeds of doom for the Pakistani camp unless they are dealt with head on. Lets hope the PCB have the guts to tackle matters in the way they need to be handled and not be swayed by reputation or star power. Many a board has fallen into the same pitfall before, it remains to be seen how this board deals with the current prima Donna power that seems to be on the rise once again.

Finally another rather ugly aspect of the Pakistani team was the ridiculous over appealing that was irritating to begin with before becoming totally obnoxious. Also for bowlers to bristle with aggression is one thing, but for them to behave like Andre Nel – huffing, puffing, scowling and chuntering – is hardly the example to follow but sadly Danish Kaneria and to a lesser extent Shahid Afridi’s aggressive demeanour bordered on the hideous.

Meanwhile in the world of sports………..well, we had the ridiculous England v Bangladesh series which was as much a waste of time as had been anticipated. The less said about that rubbish the better, even though one talking point was provided with the less than English spirit displayed by wicket keeper Jones. The French Open tennis was also less than vintage this year with no match in particular causing a serious adrenaline rush, unlike last year when the final was an incredulous affair. That Rafael Nadal took the title was great for the game as it was beginning to turn into a rather boring one horse show with Federer so dominant at the top despite his hiccup vs Safin in Australia earlier in the year. Safin remains supremely gifted, second only to Federer but his mental resolve is several notches below. Nadal, despite his dress sense, brings exuberance and excitement and vitality to the men’s sport just when folks like Hewitt, Roddick, Nalbandian, Coria and company look like they are settling into middle age despite being less than 25 years of age each!

In the women’s game once again the French crowd was pretty disgraceful with its behaviour in the Grosjean v Nadal match. Not surprising as it was the same French crowd that roasted Serena Williams in such an ugly manner a couple of years ago – a performance that bordered on pure racism. This year Serena’s absence was sorely felt but her sister barely got a few claps in her victories before she fell to a rising star from Bulgaria. It doesn’t reflect well on the crowd when they behave in manner that puts them on a par with recent Indian crowds at Test matches when the home team is sliding to defeat. One has yet to witness the boorish, ugly behaviour of the French at Wimbledon where cheer as they might during Henmania, they have yet to resort to baiting the opponents in the predatory manner of the French. Below all that façade and style and glamour and gloss, the Roland Garros crowd is capable of revealing its real frighteningly ugly face once in a while and woe on the one who falls foul of the lynch mob that they are easily capable of turning into.

Anyway, these years women’s final with Mary Pierce pitted against a rejuvenated Justine Henin-Hardenne was a total yawn and no contest. Pierce was totally unable to mount any challenge and the match ended as a total non event. Lets hope Wimbledon provides more excitement and as well as the return of Serena Williams.

Meanwhile browsing the TV channels today I happened to come across the Pakistan v India football match and what an utterly turgid experience it was. It didn’t take long to understand exactly why both Pakistan and India are considered among the worst soccer playing teams in the world…..five minutes of watching their tussle was more than enough evidence of their awfulness. Clearly soccer has a long, long way to go before reaching even respectable standards in this region where the climate and the terrain is in any case totally unsuited to a sport that requires a player to tumble to the ground every few minutes or so. Only during the monsoon season is the terrain naturally soft enough to be able to play sports like Rugby or Soccer the way they are meant to be played! Better to concentrate on other sports.

The Second VB Series Final:

Has predictably ended in victory for the all conquering Aussie cricket team, yet despite the wild celebrations, it will be remembered by most lovers of sport as a particularly dark day for Australian sportsmanship with (not for the first time) Star pin-up wonder-boy Brett Lee being responsible for producing some more of the most unsavoury sights in sport witnessed in recent times....the ugliest since his last round of similar unsporting behaviour against the South African tail ender Makhaya Ntini not so long ago.

That time Brett Lee had deliberately targeted a batsman who cricket followers know has little or next to no ability with the bat, yet Lee followed him down the leg side with deliberately aimed bouncers attempting to cause Ntini physical injury with bouncer after bouncer. It was a sickening sight for any sports fan and those who witnessed it will never forget the ugliness of the moment.

Today, in front of his swooning adoring home crowd he reverted to form showing the world the exact meaning of the word "ugly". In today’s second VB Final match Pakistani all rounder Abdul Razzak, considerably less rapid in pace than Brett Lee managed to bowl Lee a "beamer", around chest height that the batsman managed to get a bat to, if only just. Razzak immediately apologized for his transgression and the millions watching the match of TV witnessed him actually approaching Lee, patting him on the back while making his apology, but Lee rather than graciously accept, bristled muttering a few obscenities under his breath right under the nose of observing umpire Rudi Koetzen who didn't waste a moment in banishing Razzak from the bowling attack as he had every right to. Razzak had earlier sent down a similarly directed slower ball that had been smacked by Shane Watson and would have been a six had it not landed in the hands of Shahid Afridi lurking on the mid wicket boundary.

Later in the match when Razzak was at the crease trying to rescue a Pakistan innings left in tatters by their typically suicidal batting faced up to a snorting Brett Lee who sent down a beamer as fast as he could hurl deliberately aimed at the batsman’s head which was obviously a calculated and totally deliberate reaction to what had gone on before. But while Razzak had immediately reacted with an apology when he had erred, there was not the slightest even hint of an attempt at an apology by the Australian bowler, clearly acknowledging that his actions were entirely deliberate. His captain Ricky Ponting, remembered in his earlier days as a bit of a scrapper, also made not the slightest attempt at admonishing his boorish fast bowler thus showing that he passively accepted the action as being within his definition of the way sport should be played. One can also recall an incident several years ago in Sharjah when a pumped up Ricky Ponting had been dismissed by a 15 year old Harbhajan Singh and then administered a “body check” to the bowler on his way back to the pavilion. Wonder if Ponting would have reacted the same way had the bowler been of a colour similar to his own. Fate is indeed strange though as Singh returned to torment Ponting on his subsequent tours of India. However yesterdays inaction from the captain was unsurprising coming from a man with a history of erratic behaviour the less said about which the better. One had forgiven Ricky Ponting's earlier follies as part of "growing up" yet his inaction today showed the world that some things never change.

Though Australia added yet another trophy to their burgeoning collection, the match will be remembered by millions who viewed the antics of one of their cricketers as providing an ugly slur on what is considered sporting behaviour. They may have won the cup but they lost millions of supporters of sport along the way. Brett Lee is indeed a fine and exciting match winning cricketer and might well be the poster boy of a sports obsessed nation, but to many he represents everything that is ugly about sport and today he displayed exactly why.

Now the match itself - the first Final had been blighted by some of the most atrocious umpiring seen since the era of the neutral umpire began. Though an off day for umpires is accepted as being a part of the game, somehow when all the decisions weigh against one side alone, it suggests a certain bias. To put it bluntly, Pakistan were cheated by the abject umpiring in the first Final in order to keep the Aussie air of invincibility from being deflated in any way. Had the same quality of umpiring come from an Indian, Pakistani or Sri Lankan umpire, all hell would have been let loose and the umpire would have been hounded off the international circuit within hours. Yet when Steve Davis transgressed time and again, nobody appears to have batted an eyelid...but again, some things never change.

Today the match was won by Australia in the very first over when Adam Gilchrist was palpably struck in front of the stumps only for Rudi Koetzen to pander to the old boys club and ruin what should have been a wonderful sporting contest. Television replays clearly showed the umpire up and even the normally diplomatic TV commentators couldn't find any legitimate excuse for what turned out to be a match-turning blunder by an umpire who is known in South Asia as being a bit of a relic of the "Springbok" mentality. That Pakistan eventually lost the match by a handful of runs and that Gilchrist went on to score a telling 40 - well one need say no more as to what effect his judgement had on this particular match. The old boys club had struck decisively and the colonial lackeys were left licking their wounds yet again. Koetzens "error" effectively killed the match as a contest in the very first over of the day.

Gilchrist, reprieved from failing in front of baying, adoring fans could not be allowed to fail and so it was to be. He went on to blast a quick fire 40 and got the home team off to flier that they hardly deserved. The Pakistan bowlers, demoralized to the depths by the shoddy umpiring made a determined effort to claw their way back into contention but in the end their own lack of ability to cope with pressure situations was another key factor in the inability to snatch victory despite the odds.

The primary villain this time around was Shoaib Malik who played an inexcusable injudicious shot for a man of his experience literally gifting the home team the Cup on a platter. Though he and Yousuf Youhanna were well on the way to setting Pakistan back on track, just when it appeared that they could make it at a canter, first he decided to attempt a suicidal run and didn't even attempt (as is his right) to come between the stumps and the bowler who was attempting to throw them (the stumps) down, but appeared to make room so that Jason Gillespie had an excellent view! As if that aberration wasn't enough, in the next over, with seven runs already in the bag which were more than the amount that were required at any stage, Malik received possibly the worst ball of the day and proceeded to plonk it straight down the throat of a fielder who didn't have to move two inches to complete the easiest of catches. It is times like this that conspiracy theorists wonder if certain cricketers are still involved in match fixing and it’s not too difficult to see exactly why. This was a shocking and match losing performance by the normally sensible Malik and it was sad to see a lad who most of Pakistan cricket supporters view as a potential leader of the team make such a horrendous hash of things so needlessly.

Another villain, though of a lesser degree was Taufeeq Umar who admittedly was only playing his first game of the tour but having looked totally comfortable against the Australian new ball bowlers he was suddenly possessed by the same crazy rush of blood that his predecessor Salman Butt had just been dropped from the side for. Though not a renowned hooker, Umar went for an expansive hook shot and ended up presenting the grateful Aussies with his wicket in what was another disastrous choice of shot. Inzamam was due a failure and there can be no complaints about the umpiring when the ball thudded into his pad dead in front of the stumps, yet Adam Gilchrist had been reprieved, why not Inzi? Perhaps had the match been played in front of Inzamam's adoring public in Multan things may have been different? Pure conjecture.

Gradually the rest of the Pakistani batsmen threatened then perished falling tantalisingly short and tellingly the side ended up losing by less than the margin of runs that were gifted to Gilchrist courtesy of Rudi Koetzen who clearly though that he ought not to ruin the day for the ticket paying Aussie crowd by sending their hero packing in the very first over of the day. Sadly his decision ruined what would have been a classic encounter and in the end the match will be remembered more for his dreadful (and deliberate?) error of judgement as well as the hideously unsporting behaviour and antics of Brett Lee - a supremely gifted cricketer but a vile black stain on Australian sportsmanship.

THE FIRST VB FINAL played at the MCG on Feb 4th, 2005

That the first final of the VB series got underway at all considering the drenching the MCG received over the last 72 hours was due to the grounds superlative structure and the untiring efforts of a thoroughly professional ground staff who worked miracles to provide what turned out to be perfect playing conditions. Sadly it seems as though a large section of the potential ticket buying public weren’t convinced as the ground bore an unusually bare look for what promised to be a stirring encounter between the all conquering Aussie juggernaut and the slowly but surely rejuvenating Pakistani outfit.

The Australians have had a breeze of a summer down under thrashing to a pulp any team that they have locked horns with: first New Zealand were thrashed to a pulp and subsequently the Pakistani team have been pulverised in similar fashion with the West Indies also tasting a few stinging defeats in the one day VB series even though rain did deny them on one occasion. Pakistan having lost their has-been ex fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar have been improving ever since his departure from the playing field.

Slowly but encouragingly the team has begun to display a spirit that it seemed quite incapable of until very recently. Captain Inzamam ul Haq, stung badly by the criticism dished out by Imran Khan has come out of his sulk with a new found determination to prove that he does indeed command the respect of his young brigade and to a large extent has let his bat do the talking with admirable results. He has been batting with a resolute authority that seems to have rubbed off on his wards and they have responded with enthusiasm and a willingness that seemed to have been shattered by the thrashing received during the Test series.

The less experienced members of the team have responded very encouragingly of late and no one has embodied this new spirit than the likes of Rana Naveed ul Hassan and Kamran Akmal, Shahid Afridi and a miraculously transformed Popeye Abdul Razzak. Yousuf Youhana has leant an important hand once in a while and Inzamam has been rock solid. Still, despite Inzamam’s new resolve it still remains a tragedy that his commitment to the cause still remains in question because for reasons best known to himself and his soothsayers back in Raiwind, he utterly refuses to take on the responsibility of leading from the front – in other words, his utterly refusal to take on the number 3 position in the batting order which would not only silence his critics but also give the batting a huge boost by stabilizing the batting as he does near the top of the order rather than always be propping up a collapsing pack. Only he knows why he absolutely refuses to take on the responsibility of the one down position even though his team is crying out for him to do so. It is as though he has sworn never to bat one down and this stubbornness to keep arriving at the crease when half the innings is over is beyond mystifying and frankly the questions of his commitment to his cause will keep nagging him as long as he continues to thrust lesser players into the position that should by all accounts be his.

Yousuf Youhana has better reasons not to bat at one down as his technique is nowhere near as solid as his captains and as today’s match showed he is rather vulnerable when faced with a rock hard new ball and the searing pace of a Brett Lee. None the less, the team has shown the admirable ability to pick itself up from rock bottom and to truly begin to challenge the awesome Aussies and even give them a shock or two along the way.

Today’s first final was more evidence that this team is growing in confidence and stature with every passing match and had it not been for some grotesque umpiring by Steve Davis, they might well have gone one up with two matches to play, but it wasn’t to be and though they strived hard they were unable to withstand a withering opening assault by Brett Lee and the wily Glenn McGrath who literally ripped the heart out of the batting in the very few opening overs dismissing Salman Butt, Kamran Akmal and Yousuf Youhana in quick succession followed by Hafeez who is totally out of his depth coming in the position that his captain ought to.

It would be churlish to blame the umpiring as being the sole reason for the defeat but it would also be ridiculously over diplomatic to pretend that it didn’t have a major impact on the outcome, as each ghastly error had a deeply morale sapping effect. First of all the third umpire refused to give the darling of the Aussie crowds Adam Gilchrist out when the entire ground could see clearly that he was short of his crease when Kamran Akmal disturbed the bails…..Gilchrist seemed almost embarrassed at the reprimand. A few minutes later the Aussie captain Ricky Ponting was to benefit when he was struck on his pads bang in front with TV replays confirming that the middle stump was being struck, but umpire Davis stunned neutrals with his judgement and was to do so time and again during the course of the match. Andrew Symonds who came out of a horror bad patch was also indebted to Davis who salvaged his innings when he was palpably caught in front of his stumps half way through his match winning innings with TV technology showing the umpire up rather badly, but that wasn’t to be the end of it by half.

Davis later proceeded to make a total ass of his judgement by awarding a wide to a delivery that the batsman actually gloved along with a rather audible sound. Once again technology showed that the umpire had made yet another glaring error and single-handedly slashed the visitor’s chances of making a match of it on this occasion. Not satisfied with the havoc he had caused, it didn’t take him a fraction of a second to send Pakistan’s Salman Butt on his way despite their being a large suspicion of an inside edge, but this one was acceptable as it was no where near as obvious as the previous stinkers had been.

The Australians are a quite brilliant outfit but their sheer brilliance was rather undermined by the help they received from their home umpire today and his inability to judge in a fair manner left a rather poor taste in the mouth. Surely the Aussies are too proud of their own capabilities to have them undermined in this manner by a man who was bent on sending the sparse crowd home happy and to ensure that the adoring publics perception of their invincibles was left unblemished, They are a superior team in every department which makes it rather embarrassing that they had Davis helping them along to the best of his ability. This was the most shocking umpiring seen on a centre stage (barring the ghastly errors of the Indian Jayaprakash) since neutral umpires came into existence but to be fair, even the normally efficient Billy Bowden, despite his eccentricities was also found wanting on the day on more than one occasion.

Maybe it was just one of those days and the dice seemed to roll against the Pakistani’s each and every time – whatever the reasons, it had a telling impact on the morale of the visitors who having raised themselves from the depths of despair and were desperately keen to at least compete on equal terms. Today they were denied, not only by a brilliantly honed champion Australian team but also by some highly dubious umpiring along the way. It will take some miracle for the visiting team to conjure the confidence to make the second final a contest and if the same two umpires officiate in the same form they were in today, it might just be a totally futile exercise.

None the less, it was a sterling effort by the Australian team who are worthy World Cup holders and Test cricket World Champions – a team so extraordinarily brilliant that they can work miracles without the kindly intervention of erring umpires. It was an exceptional cricket match by all accounts but sadly will be remembered for the hideous incompetence of the umpires Davis, Bowden and the third umpire whose reluctance to send Gilchrist back as run out was quite astonishing. Australia marched away with yet another victory, thoroughly deserved, but Pakistan left the field defeated but with the total sympathy of the neutral spectator.

On this evidence, surely home umpires must be dumped for One Day Internationals, especially if they happen to be Finals.

Ok, taken that Shaharyar Khan is bent on the destruction of Pakistan cricket as we know it, but what of the motives of those who are shedding tears in lament?


A couple more highly amusing if predictable blasts in the local press against the PCB, one from “world renowned commentator” Mohammad Ilyas and the other from a man driven by his total devotion to the welfare of Pakistan cricket Mr. A.A.A – a man who is in obvious turmoil as he cares so much about the state of the sport in Pakistan that he can hardly bare the pain any longer and is prepared to spill blood for the salvation of the game. In actuality here is a man so consumed with jealousy that his each whinging salvo exposes him as being nothing more than a disgruntled opportunist who is using his every means to try to suggest himself as a potential saviour.

Mohammad Ilyas aka father in law of Imran Farhat is indeed a magnificent commentator, especially when he demonstrates his eloquence and dazzling command of the English language while commentating. Being a connoisseur of the absurd one was immediately drawn to his words on the idiot box as his eloquence has the singular power to induce guffaws like none other in recent times. I recall tuning into an inconsequential match on TV lately simply in the hope that a relatively dull day at the office would be enlivened by the sheer brilliance of Ilyas’s stunning use of the English medium and in that regard, one has yet to be let down. That he has now assumed the accolade of “world renowned” commentator must mean that the domestic matches played here in Pakistan must be watched all around the world – wonder how that happened. It does suggest that the appeal of Pakistan’s domestic cricket has a pulling power far greater than one could have ever anticipated – well done Mohammad Ilyas for using your gift of the gab to widen the appeal of Pakistan Cricket – Bravo! Let us also hope that he soon establishes a training school for commentators and that some sensible people in Pakistan follow suit (of our neighbours) and start a campaign to find the next Ilyas.......as in “Harsha ki Khoj Meain”. Just as the world evidently needs more jumped up buffoon-like geeks a la Harsha Bhogle (or indeed airhead experts such as Mandira Bedi) we could certainly do with the discovery of budding young Ilyas’s.

One of the truly excellent points that Ilyas raises about the state of Pakistani cricket is in the problem with the current coach Bob Woolmer who he states that “Woolmer himself was not fit then how he can coach Pakistan team”. The words of a man who clearly has unfathomed depths to his thought processes. So, according to Ilyas the coach of a team can only be fit to coach a team if he is physically fit himself! Duncan Fletcher doesn’t appear to be doing too badly despite the volume of his girth, but clearly Ilyas has an insight few of us could even dare to contemplate.

Then there are other ex-Test cricketers who are caught up in a time warp and consider their methodology to be the blue print for all times to come claiming that a system that produced such greats as Zaheer Abbas, Mushtaq Mohammad, Sadiq Mohammad, Imran Khan, Wasim Bari, Majid Khan, Intikhab Alam (great?) etc should be left unchanged as it was 35 or 40 years ago. To these people it seems that the game and its conditions, rules, techniques haven’t evolved or changed at all in the 35 years that have passed. This is the same thought process that claims that the Muslims, once the proudest swordsmen and horsemen of the world should abandon modern technology (cars, tanks, aircraft, missiles, ships, guns) and go for glory on horseback once again if they are to assume leadership of the world as they once had. Even ostriches with their head buried feet under the sand would perhaps realize that change and time and ageing are those commodities that cannot be stopped or frozen no matter how hard one tries. Resistance to change has always been the downfall of leadership that has remained intransigent. We may not like or approve of what changes bring but to try to halt change? Good luck to those wanting to live in a fools paradise where time apparently stands still and change is an alien concept.

Meanwhile people like Haseeb Ahsan claim that they had never even heard of Bob Woolmer in their playing days but Haseeb played his cricket in a different era than Woolmer and his career was virtually over when he was sent back from an England tour for being a “chucker” when Bob Woolmer was still in school! (oops, I really didn’t mean to reveal your true age Mr Ahsan). Woolmer may not have set the world alight as a player though he did manage to score 149 against an Australian attack containing Lillee, Thomson and Max Walker which is more than most could muster during the 70’s in the pre helmet days. It’s remarkable how selective amnesia creeps into the mind of those feeding on a diet of sour grapes in their chat masala!

Haseeb Ahsan’s numerous rants when he went on tour as a manager of the side in the 70’s and 80’s suggested that the man has a considerable chip on his shoulder, no doubt emanating from the fact that his bowling action was considered unlawful by the nasty “goras” who struck down his career just when he was about to become the greatest off-spinning legend the world has ever known. No doubt a conspiracy against him because of his massive talent and that he alone was going to take the Pakistan team to heights never dreamt of before. And finally, given that our team of “greats” including Zaheer, Majid, Sadiq, Mushtaq, Bari, Inti etc were as great as they claim they were – how come they hardly ever managed to win any series other than the then lowly New Zealanders or then strictly at home in the days when umpiring was little more than a joke in a home series? Doesn’t speak much for their collective greatness somehow? It was only under the leadership of Imran Khan in the 80’s, when the “greats” were on their way out that the Pakistan cricket team started enjoying some success in series away from the cheating local umpires. Before that we were a bunch of rather toothless paper tigers and burgeoning egos.

Accepted that Shaharyar Khan is bent on destroying everything about Pakistan cricket as we know – what else could be expected from a “retired diplomat” who supposedly knows nothing about the sport!? Meanwhile, since when did it take a P.HD to understand the nuances this sport? Its just another sport just like any other including tiddly-winks and in a country besieged by real social and political problems it smacks hideously of bad taste to be making a mountains of a molehill........our priorities have always been asinine as a nation and the ridiculous overemphasis on cricket is a glaring example.

And poor disgruntled A.A.A – anyone who reads his increasingly rabid laments and his outcry of concern about Pakistan cricket can also read between the lines that the man’s jealousy has already consumed him almost totally leaving him not much more than a spitting cobra with nothing but ample gobs of venom to spew.

Anyway, far more importantly, do you have it in you to be the next Harsha Bhogle? - What a world, what a world!

A New Dawn!

Famous words uttered by a very wise man...yet there’s nothing new about the rabid reaction that occurred in various quarters to Pakistan’s Ist Test Match annihilation at Perth a few weeks ago. The miserable capitulation to the rampaging, all conquering Aussies seemed to have such a devastating effect on an element of the local populace that they took to torching the effigies of Inzamam Ul-Haq the captain, Wasim Bari the chief selector, Bob Woolmer the coach and the PCB chairman Shaharyar Khan.

Than there was Senator Enver Beg who became so exasperated at the recent defeat that he lost all his raspberries (again). Not satisfied with physically grappling and assaulting his fellow Senate Members including throwing a juicy left hook or two Beg has (like clockwork) demanded (yawn) that heads must roll! So it seems the great Beg along with those heartbroken, distressed-for-the-honour-of-the-nation young gentlemen who burned the effigies had expected Pakistan to vanquish possibly the strongest Australian Test side of all time on a pitch that other than the odd blemish here and there, they utterly rule the roost on? Apparently so, because how else can one possibly explain the levels of disappointment (read foaming hysteria) displayed by these humble patriots.

Perhaps it wasn’t the defeat so much but the manner of defeat that caused the outcry, for that would be a touch more fathomable. However, remarkable all the same because where else in a world where people are being torn apart by devastation of one form or the other do people have the spare time to go about burning effigies, unless it is a paid publicity stunt maybe? Sad that they shouldn’t feel the same patriotism when it comes to all other spheres of life in the country. Also sad that people should lose total perspective about what things are more important in life......Test Matches in Australia or anywhere else for that matter pale into the insignificance they deserve when thousands of people of Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India etc are swept away by killer tidal tsunami waves. But sadly hysteria seems to have become a personality trait so deeply ingrained, perhaps because trying to view things logically and analytically takes more effort than shouting at the top on one’s voice and torching effigies. Taking to the streets to burn effigies because of a defeat in a cricket match, what can one say...Why not light torches against something meaningful for a change?

They say that cricket is a game of passion in India and Pakistan so may be the case but surely there is a fine line between passion and sheer bombastic idiocy. Cricket is a sport; perhaps one of the great sports for a variety of reasons and I have spent the best part of my life following the game with as much passion as anyone I have ever come across, yet let us not forget that it is only a sport.. The hysteria that it seems to generate in the Sub-continent reflects a truly warped perspective of life yet the same can be said of the Latin’s and Soccer.....but hell, who am I to suggest that famine, illiteracy, terrorism, poverty, global warming, AIDS, the suffering and injustice in Palestine, the murder of women in the name of honour are perhaps worth maybe even half a smouldering effigy every now and then rather than defeat in a cricket or soccer match?

The other grouse I have is that in a country where pirate DVD and heroin factories are the only areas in which we lead the world or compete on a global basis (though we also have the enviable reputation of being the finest finishing school for any terrorist worth his salt) how is it that the nations cricket establishment is expected to compete at the highest level while all other spheres of the country flounder? While the other sports we were once dominant in such as Hockey and Squash have seen even more of a drastic decline there is no frenetic hysteria and burning effigies? Why do we expect mountains from our cricketers when the rest of the country wallows in abject mediocrity? Is it rational or logical to expect excellence from our cricket establishment and not expect the same world beating excellence from all spheres of the country? Anyway, before one gets carried away in torrents of disdain one should come back to the word logic as it obviously features in the minds of such great thinkers as Javed Miandad and the irrepressible Sarfaraz Nawaz aka Big Sarf or is it Big Moose?

Javed Miandad has been seething about the innuendos that have been cast against him by the PCB chairman when he said that there were “other reasons” for his ouster. Miandad immediately retorted that he would take Khan to court because his statement suggested he was involved in match fixing. He claims (pinch of salt handy?) he has never been involved in such dealings and of course we all believe him as he is after all a fine upright gentleman, a man of honour and dignity who represents righteousness through and through – just like that other knight in shining armour Sarfaraz Nawaz who has claimed that he has the ability to turn the team’s fortunes in a matter of weeks if put in charge! Who can argue against the great man’s claims?

The latest news is that Miandad’s lawyers have indeed served the PCB chairman with a legal notice demanding a public apology in order to salvage his reputation as he felt it has been tarnished by the manner of his ouster. Excuse me, but what reputation exactly are we talking about here? Anyone who has had any sort of contact with Javed Miandad knows exactly the way the man operates and the motivations that make him do so but beside that, one would actually do well to remember that Miandad is not in fact qualified to coach at any institute let alone the National team as he has no degrees and no qualifications in this sphere and never has done. He was basically appointed on the laurels of his own international Test career which in no way means that he is coaching material. A coach in this day and age must provide the proper qualifications in his field from recognized institutions and not wave his glowing record as a player as his claim to fame. Miandad may well have been a superb batsman in his time but your battings skills of years gone by hardly means that you are qualified to coach at any level let alone the highest level. For that one requires true coaching qualifications, and by this criterion, Miandad is a non starter as would be Hanif Mohammad, Zaheer Abbas, Sarfaraz Nawaz and other coaching wannabe’s who have zero credentials to support their claims.

Incidentally Miandad also has recently lashed out at the PCB administration for concentrating on the “international XI rather than worry about cricket in schools and colleges”. A perfect example of a forward thinking man as clearly concentrating on schools cricket and college cricket is hardly going to win you the upcoming series against India or England next year, yet again there are many of us who would argue that our current decline is due partly to the fact that cricket at the grassroots level has been totally obliterated. Shaharyar has gone for a long term approach, one that may not win him any matches nor the World Cup during his tenure, but one would be a touch myopic not to be able to see, that right or wrong, he is doing a significant amount to make things smoother for those who may be in his position in 8 or 10 years when the fruits of concentrating on the grassroots will slowly start to pay off. This of course unless somebody as far sighted as Javed Miandad or the majestic Sarfaraz Nawaz scuppers the long term thinking for immediate payoffs and further bouts of mud-slinging and blame shifting.

And what is this business about it “not being our culture” to be able to have a foreign coach? An amazing statement that accepts that one’s culture is so utterly closed to fresh ideas and new ways of thinking and new techniques and so incapable of adapting to a rapidly changing world and sport that we can only employ the tried, tested and increasingly useless techniques of years decades of yonder. The mind boggles that this mentality should prevail, yet we would do well to remember that we were the folks who spawned the back-to-the-future Taliban after all. Once again one is reminded of the classic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark (yes, another of those Israeli-American anti Islamic propaganda films) where Indy Jones is confronted by a spectacularly talented swordsman who swishes and twirls his blades with incredible menace, yet is blown away by the single shot of a pistol despite his glorious traditional skills.

In this modern world you can either adapt or then fall by the wayside and even though Bob Woolmer is no panacea to Pakistan’s cricketing problems, at least he represented a sincere effort on the part of the PCB administration to try to remain in touch with the times and not head back to the caves hand in hand with the likes of Javed Miandad gesticulating along the way as he does from the dressing room. Pakistan cricket is going through an extended slump and there is no magic wand that can suddenly be swished to make the bad times go away. These bad times are a direct result of us not bothering to get our house in order over the last ten to fifteen years and refusing to make sure that the system was producing talent from the junior levels that could be fine tuned to perfection for International duty. Our system had been a little bit left to fate with numerous admittedly heart-warming stories of unknown gawky lads showing up at the nets and being drafted straight into the team a day or so such being their amazing talent were almost the norm rather than the exception. However in times when cricketers appear to be groomed by professionally run Academies, our Academy doesn’t yet know what its true purpose is and why it is functioning at all. Let’s put it this way and keep to the point...how many cricketers in the current Test set up have emerged after polishing up their trade at the Academy? Point made? So, what is our academy up to and what is its purpose? There are scores of Academies functioning up and down the country now, mostly privately run with little or no regulation at all and no other aim but of filling their coffers at the expense of infatuated parents.

How many cricketers have actually benefited or are benefiting from the National Cricket Academy or is it just serving as a clubhouse for serving fringe and Test cricketers. In actuality, if the Academy was at all serious about achieving results and performing a service, only young cricketers less than the age of 20 would be seen at the establishment...instead we have players who have been on the International circuit for ten years exercising or having a massage or physiotherapy at the Academy. Surely the Academy is not meant to be a clubhouse but a finishing school for raw, youthful talent? Perhaps Mr Miandad would care to differ and suggest that only the International XI should be concentrated upon. Could someone please explain to this man that a plant can only grow to fruition if it has healthy roots!

On a lighter note, what a joy to listen to the inane ramblings of Waqar Younis who is the “expert” guest commentator down for this year’s series for here is the first man who is able to make Shoaib Akhtar seem eloquent in the English language. Poor Waq’s stylish cultivated Surrey accent (with words like “blokes” included) fails to camouflage the mans total lack of comprehension...but its rather charming and typically Pakistani to be referring to players like the nearly 30 year old Yasir Hameed (indeed a mere couple of years younger than Waq himself) as a “youngster” – surely a pet favourite word of all Pakistani commentators.

I wonder what constitutes a “youngster” and I wonder if a player like the increasingly paunchy Azhar Mahmood (who is also less than 30) qualifies as one of them or Shahid Afridi who was evidently just out of diapers when he was selected to play for his country? Pakistan is the land of flowering “youngsters” and hearty congratulations to Shahid Afridi on finally achieving the ripe old age of 24 in 2004/5 - a feat that is practically a miracle of nature.